So my sister just called me from her room...

Had a dream I was back home to San Angelo and I was going to Santa Rita park with the beautiful preppy rich kids, I went to elementary-high school with who live in my neighborhood. It had snowed, and the biggest douchelord HW who I despise for his beauty, charisma, and pompousness, tried to throw snow balls at me, and I oddly enjoyed the chase then once we all got to our old play gym we did the standard young adult thing and posed for pictures. 

Very odd. 

• On a flight back home, only a few people were on the plane. 
• Something was wrong with the plane we had to land in Amish country, in Lancaster where they were on horse and buggys, I knew it was a dream and added some llamas and giraffes. We were put up in a hostel orphanage type space, there were children around. 
• D. is from school since it was break he came from Delaware, for some reason he was there for me. I really liked him, and he liked me. He wasn’t with his girlfriend anymore. 
• This is all crazy because D and I are just friends here, now. So in this scenario where he loves me, and I also feel really strongly for him, it was all of sudden familiar and strange, but really really nice to have someone.
• He came and brought blankets and himself and he was just there. He hugged me and I hugged him and it was so nice and pathetic and cliche, I knew it was a dream, and I knew that it wasn’t real, but I still enjoyed having someone want me to be with them.
• And then there was another boy, Max, a face I can’t recognize and my subconscious probably gave him that name because its my favorite. He liked me as well and I liked him but I knew things were just better with D. but I cried at the thought of having to reject him, and because I think D had heard about him. 
• I actually cried, so I forgot about Max and went back to D. I was about to leave for another flight and he was helping me pack and just holding me before I left. Then all Hell broke loose.
• The hostel was actually a factory where they used the orphans for labor and it was dirty and scary and basically had gone up in flames. We all had to leave. My sister and his ex girlfriend showed up during the chaos and he did his best to protect me with some hesitation concerning her, because he’s a nice guy.

In the end, my dreams are always a simple manifestation of what I already know.

Not that I have feelings for a friend, because I assure you I do not. But that although I’m high functioning, fairly focused but those don’t make up for the fact that sometimes I actually am lonely. And right now when I’ve just dreamed so vividly about having a person, not for anything, other than to hold me, and it was so nice, it makes me unable to escape from the fact I am lonely and often times want someone to love. So there is my sappy story.

You got married and I could feel my walls beginning to fall down, because not only had I not moved on but it was too late for me to begin.

We were older at someones lake house or beach house having a party. But the party turned wrong when your wife got there, they were all saying congratulations to her and I looked for you. But you weren’t there. Before that the party I noticed was really formal, like prom formal, everyone in beautiful dresses, it never occurred to me why. 

That douchebag I hate was there too, and he was being nice to me and my dad who was also there, so I didn’t feel the urge to punch him in the face. 

Then the next day, or just next,(in dreams its just next?) We were at school, but it was like college school, not your Texas university and not Syracuse but it was snowing. I walked up to you with everything in me fighting to keep it together, and tried small talk. You smiled and talked normally and walked away. Happy.

Then I woke up.

My dreams are compensating for what I lack in real life. 

Last night I dreamt again I was with someone, not doing anything sexual or of that sort. I just had someone to eat lunch with. He was actually a friend, but I was still confused as to what “we” were in the dream. When he left we hugged and kissed and I walked him down the stairs of my house and wanted to hold his hand, so I grabbed it reasoning with myself it was okay because there’s alot of stairs in my house. And when he left I was still left with that amazing feeling of like. Something I’ve never had when I’m awake I guess. 

That feeling where you like someone, they like you and the world is right. 

All of a sudden I had a baby. I don’t remember the act, or giving birth or even his name but I do know he had blue eyes and I loved him. So much so I thought my heart would burst. My boyfriend was a black guy named Clarence, someone I’ve never seen before in my life.

I also remember telling him that I was glad to have the baby with me and that abortion would never have happened, but that I was still thinking about adoption. Because as much as I loved him, the baby, not the guy, I still wanted to do stuff. To live my life and not be tied down to Clarence who I’d rather be friends with than “together” with. It was complicated. I loved the baby, but I was still selfish…

A dream, I was getting married to a guy I didn’t tell I was marrying him, but I sent out invitations planned everything but in the end I didn’t even show up to my wedding. I couldn’t, I know who it was and more or less why I wanted to marry him I guess, but I didn’t tell him, and right before he asked me why him? And. I couldn’t speak. 

B dream, Tumblr already knows about, the beautiful Indian guy who walked with me. 

C dream, the newest one. This kid and I got married to each other in our respective parts of the country…WTF right? This one I remember being nervous about because we were married but I hadn’t seen him. 

…WHAT WITH THE DREAMS.

If I analyze them myself, I come up with some less than constructive critiscms about my pathetic psyche. 

I just want someone to talk to about anything and everything, someone to share good music with, and to talk about our dreams. I don’t want anything else. 

Last night I dreamt you and I got seperated from my sister and our other friends in a time of fear and chaos, it was only you and I. 

Once peace was found, we just were close, side by side deciding on what to do. That was a moment I relished in. There were no other people, no distance between us, nothing to complicate anything. It was bliss. 

Its the only thing I’ve ever hoped for in the real world,

but where reality fails me, surreality picks it back up again.

Helping me and hurting me all at once.

Giving me some solace of mind in sleep, while leaving me alone as I wake up. 

My dreams are so great I wish they were real. 

Dream analysis is my side job.

Some things are just so obvious and others, well are not. 

I miss my friends to analyze the parts I don’t get.